The Mouth Is His Specialty Apparently…

Wow. So, you’re a prominent dentist who has unfortunately been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and early onset dementia. Do you a.) retire from a profession that requires a steady hand and a high level of alertness b.) consult a physician and take the best prescription medications money can buy or c.) hire a bunch of prostitutes and blow a 14 yr old boy on a beach.

Sentencing testimony for dentist’s no contest sex plea turns salacious

I think you might be able to guess what this dude picked…

The shaky-grabby Dr. Sperry pleaded ‘no contest’, but not everyone is so sure. Fav line from the article: “Maresca also has tried to show Sperry is a malingerer, somone who is faking it.”

Thank you, article, for the vocabulary lesson featuring an uncommonly misspelled word!

courtesy of naplesnews.com

Dwarf Mongoose Pup

I really like those three words. Also, I want one (or two). Thanks, Zooborns!

Strangely Hot

I was propositioned by one Jessica Olsen to blog about men that I find to be “strangely hot”. She has probably already gone and posted something magnificent per usual, but I have been attempting to nap away an eye injury. Kids, it’s not wise to pluck your eyebrows in bed at midnight. That being said, I still have a few minutes left in this day and I’m going to supply you with a short and not entirely comprehensive list of men that I find to be hot despite the fact that they might look like trolls or vagrants:

Steve Buscemi: I don’t know what it is, but he seems smart, he’s very funny, and he can definitely nab your heart as the hopeless yet loveable loser.

Matt Berry: He’s British, he’s so funny that I sort of want to be him and, at the end of the day, I’d so go with him wherever and do whatever and maybe even not feel that bad about it.

Matt Bush: So, this kid is in a bunch of cell phone commercials and I used to get slightly made fun of for cheesily fawning over him. He’s totally 80s buddy comedy level attractive. He’s got to find a time machine and audition for the role of Stiles in ‘Teen Wolf’, seriously. Anyway, much to my surprise he played a jackass in ‘Adventureland’ which is set in the 80s and have I ever mentioned that I think I’d make a really good casting director? I have. Anyway, he’s like 15 years old, or at least he looks 15 and his voice shouldn’t make my panties want to fall off. Look at that haircut! What is wrong with me? I want it. I want it real bad. Awwoooooo! *surfs on roof of van*

Malcolm McDowell: So, I went ahead and found a picture that features young Malcom as well as current, elderly Malcolm. I want to stress though that as a young guy, he’s pretty cute — sure. Also, he’s most famous for playing assorted hellions, hedonists and rapists. But, I want to make it clear that I’d so actually do old Malcolm. He was a Star Trek villian. In fact, he killed Kirk. He’s British and there’s just this certainly level of eye-fuckery about him that makes you think, “Man, that old dude is kind of worth boning.” Engage!

Groucho Marx: I don’t even know if this is strange and then it worries me that I’m not sure if this is strange. I genuinely have lamented my station in life and would love to go back in time and carouse with Groucho and Charlie and then go home to my baby Buster. I like to laugh and I like grease paint facial hair!

Fred Ward: This isn’t even a stretch. This guy’s filmography alone puts me in the bone zone, but I implore you — if you haven’t seen ‘Henry & June’ netflix that shit and shut your door. If you have seen ‘Henry & June’ then you can never just see him as the dude in ‘Tremors’ again…

Woodrow Wilson: Ok, this is a leftover from my very early youth and that makes it even weirder. I think I just thought he looked kind of like an asshole and I guess I’ve always liked that. Also, look at that penmenship! That’s the handwriting of a man that knows how to please a woman! Take me now, you 28th president of the United States, you!

Klaus Nomi: Gay? Check. Crazy falsetto singing voice? Check. Gigantic, pointy tuxedo? Check. Strangely hot? You betcha!

PS: The documentary about him called ‘The Nomi Song’ is pretty amazing.

Anthony Bourdain: He drinks, he used to do drugs, he travels the world for money, he’s a writer, he’s a chef, and he’s a total, vulgar asshole. I love it. I would let him berate me as we ate raw baby seal in an Inuit village anyday!

Also

I’d like to tell everyone that my incredibly snobbish taste in cheap Mexican food was satisfied tonight by going to Las Maracas off of White Bridge Rd.

I always get cheese enchiladas, a cripsy beef taco, rice and beans as the litmus test for a trashy, delicious and cheap good time. I will branch out if they can get those cliche, gringo-beloved dishes right and they did! They actually put spices in the meat! So many restaurants here in this pee pee soaked heck hole think that boiling hamburger meat and putting it in a store-bought taco shell will suffice. No, Las Palmas and La Hacienda, it will not.

I realize that this meal is cliche and for bloated white people, but you don’t go to a place called Las Maracas on White Bridge Road to have some authentic experience. You go there to drink cheap Margaritas before a minor league baseball game or after a spirited jaunt to Target or to obtain much-needed hangover food, but even hungover I know the difference between American cheese rolled up in a piece of corn pone and real, melted Mexican cheese melted in a corn tortilla.

Also, Hormel Taco Sauce should not be in your Mexican restaurant. If you have to add water to make gravy, then it’s not enchilada sauce, it’s Alpo and I’m contacting the CDC and WHO and Padme Lakshmi whoever else cares about your  crimes against taste buds!

Oh, and mashing up an avocado and squirting a lemon on it is not guacamole. Thank you.

Is that it? In short, Las Maracas was pretty cute and totally satisfied my craving for tasty, affordable “Mexican” fare.

Abandonment

I took a challenge to blog everyday in April. At some point, I just lost interest like a child and went and chased something shiny that caught my eye. That shiny object…was meth.

I kid. I kid. It was PCP.

…..

Or, the drug I like to refer to aaaaas adorable animal videos. Do you like animals? Do you like baby animals? Do you like baby animals that are curious? Do you like grown up animals that like boxes and being adorable? Cool. Enjoy this shit:

Big Box and Maru

My Most Glorious Fantasy Realized

If My Favorite Animal Somehow Moved Into a Trailer House

What if Neil and Buzz Couldn’t Get Back?

Here’s a very interesting article about the speech that Nixon would have given in the event of a “moon disaster”. It’s macabre and shows that no matter how optimistic and inspiring the choices made by our government are meant to seem, they don’t know what the hell they’re doing and there is always a well-worded, sound-byte laden speech waiting the wings in the event of “unforeseen” disaster.

HOW HOUSTON REHEARSED ITS WORST EVER PROBLEM

iTunes, Erasure, and stagnant rage

I decided to dig around in the ole iTunes store to find some new music tonight and discovered a delightful treat in the debut album of a band called Fanfarlo. If you like Arcade Fire or Clap Yours Hands Say Yeah! and/or charming instrumental-ish pop — you’ll be game for sure. If you just like pretty songs that are catchy and well-written, you will also enjoy them. If you like me and think that everything I like is cool, then you’ll surely be down. Either way, you can obtain their album from iTunes right now for only $5.99. That’s a meager investment at best. I will taunt you mercilessly if you don’t pony up and at least give it a go. Though, I have tastes that others seem to not find palatable, so if you’re lame — just continue listening to the Twilight Soundtrack and your old Erasure tapes.

Also, Paul Rudd’s celebrity playlist solidified my crush on him. In contrast, I found myself annoyed at how much I enjoyed Demetri Martin’s selections in contrast to his stupid ass song descriptions. Please, Demetri, break your lame ass too-indie-to-emote “comedic” persona for two seconds and attempt to explain why you picked the songs you chose. You obviously want cred. You picked Deathcab, Grandaddy, and Neutral Milk Hotel…just give it up. Stop being a mop-topped prick for a two point two seconds, dude. You’re marginally talented and you like the same shit I liked in college. Cool. I still like it. Go fuck yourself. Where was I? Oh yeah, Fanfarlo. Check it out.

MASTER CLEANSE!

I’ve decided to do it. Monday. Me. Pooping a lot? Maybe. Probably. Awesome.

Bikini season? Most def.

Andora

In my nerddom, I stumbled upon the flickr of this adorable rabbit. Meet Andora. I know there are plenty of sassy Holland Lops hoppin’ around on flickr, but this lil bun is super fun and deserves a peek. Her owner not only takes fantastic, high-quality photos of her, but takes ample opportunity to describe the disapproving, difficult little personality of her fluffy little pet. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll maybe even fall in love with this particular gal. I did!

Bonus: Andora has some delightful hamster friends. Pudding, Sushi and Pancake to name a few…

Lil baby

Hey there, adorable lil baby! How are you today? Good? You look good. You look real good…

Where was I? Oh yeah, a baby jaguar was unveiled today at the Jacksonville zoo. Ain’t it cute? Enjoy! (with video goodness)

courtesy of jacksonville.com