Strangely Hot

I was propositioned by one Jessica Olsen to blog about men that I find to be “strangely hot”. She has probably already gone and posted something magnificent per usual, but I have been attempting to nap away an eye injury. Kids, it’s not wise to pluck your eyebrows in bed at midnight. That being said, I still have a few minutes left in this day and I’m going to supply you with a short and not entirely comprehensive list of men that I find to be hot despite the fact that they might look like trolls or vagrants:

Steve Buscemi: I don’t know what it is, but he seems smart, he’s very funny, and he can definitely nab your heart as the hopeless yet loveable loser.

Matt Berry: He’s British, he’s so funny that I sort of want to be him and, at the end of the day, I’d so go with him wherever and do whatever and maybe even not feel that bad about it.

Matt Bush: So, this kid is in a bunch of cell phone commercials and I used to get slightly made fun of for cheesily fawning over him. He’s totally 80s buddy comedy level attractive. He’s got to find a time machine and audition for the role of Stiles in ‘Teen Wolf’, seriously. Anyway, much to my surprise he played a jackass in ‘Adventureland’ which is set in the 80s and have I ever mentioned that I think I’d make a really good casting director? I have. Anyway, he’s like 15 years old, or at least he looks 15 and his voice shouldn’t make my panties want to fall off. Look at that haircut! What is wrong with me? I want it. I want it real bad. Awwoooooo! *surfs on roof of van*

Malcolm McDowell: So, I went ahead and found a picture that features young Malcom as well as current, elderly Malcolm. I want to stress though that as a young guy, he’s pretty cute — sure. Also, he’s most famous for playing assorted hellions, hedonists and rapists. But, I want to make it clear that I’d so actually do old Malcolm. He was a Star Trek villian. In fact, he killed Kirk. He’s British and there’s just this certainly level of eye-fuckery about him that makes you think, “Man, that old dude is kind of worth boning.” Engage!

Groucho Marx: I don’t even know if this is strange and then it worries me that I’m not sure if this is strange. I genuinely have lamented my station in life and would love to go back in time and carouse with Groucho and Charlie and then go home to my baby Buster. I like to laugh and I like grease paint facial hair!

Fred Ward: This isn’t even a stretch. This guy’s filmography alone puts me in the bone zone, but I implore you — if you haven’t seen ‘Henry & June’ netflix that shit and shut your door. If you have seen ‘Henry & June’ then you can never just see him as the dude in ‘Tremors’ again…

Woodrow Wilson: Ok, this is a leftover from my very early youth and that makes it even weirder. I think I just thought he looked kind of like an asshole and I guess I’ve always liked that. Also, look at that penmenship! That’s the handwriting of a man that knows how to please a woman! Take me now, you 28th president of the United States, you!

Klaus Nomi: Gay? Check. Crazy falsetto singing voice? Check. Gigantic, pointy tuxedo? Check. Strangely hot? You betcha!

PS: The documentary about him called ‘The Nomi Song’ is pretty amazing.

Anthony Bourdain: He drinks, he used to do drugs, he travels the world for money, he’s a writer, he’s a chef, and he’s a total, vulgar asshole. I love it. I would let him berate me as we ate raw baby seal in an Inuit village anyday!

Also

I’d like to tell everyone that my incredibly snobbish taste in cheap Mexican food was satisfied tonight by going to Las Maracas off of White Bridge Rd.

I always get cheese enchiladas, a cripsy beef taco, rice and beans as the litmus test for a trashy, delicious and cheap good time. I will branch out if they can get those cliche, gringo-beloved dishes right and they did! They actually put spices in the meat! So many restaurants here in this pee pee soaked heck hole think that boiling hamburger meat and putting it in a store-bought taco shell will suffice. No, Las Palmas and La Hacienda, it will not.

I realize that this meal is cliche and for bloated white people, but you don’t go to a place called Las Maracas on White Bridge Road to have some authentic experience. You go there to drink cheap Margaritas before a minor league baseball game or after a spirited jaunt to Target or to obtain much-needed hangover food, but even hungover I know the difference between American cheese rolled up in a piece of corn pone and real, melted Mexican cheese melted in a corn tortilla.

Also, Hormel Taco Sauce should not be in your Mexican restaurant. If you have to add water to make gravy, then it’s not enchilada sauce, it’s Alpo and I’m contacting the CDC and WHO and Padme Lakshmi whoever else cares about your  crimes against taste buds!

Oh, and mashing up an avocado and squirting a lemon on it is not guacamole. Thank you.

Is that it? In short, Las Maracas was pretty cute and totally satisfied my craving for tasty, affordable “Mexican” fare.

Abandonment

I took a challenge to blog everyday in April. At some point, I just lost interest like a child and went and chased something shiny that caught my eye. That shiny object…was meth.

I kid. I kid. It was PCP.

…..

Or, the drug I like to refer to aaaaas adorable animal videos. Do you like animals? Do you like baby animals? Do you like baby animals that are curious? Do you like grown up animals that like boxes and being adorable? Cool. Enjoy this shit:

Big Box and Maru

My Most Glorious Fantasy Realized

If My Favorite Animal Somehow Moved Into a Trailer House

What if Neil and Buzz Couldn’t Get Back?

Here’s a very interesting article about the speech that Nixon would have given in the event of a “moon disaster”. It’s macabre and shows that no matter how optimistic and inspiring the choices made by our government are meant to seem, they don’t know what the hell they’re doing and there is always a well-worded, sound-byte laden speech waiting the wings in the event of “unforeseen” disaster.

HOW HOUSTON REHEARSED ITS WORST EVER PROBLEM

iTunes, Erasure, and stagnant rage

I decided to dig around in the ole iTunes store to find some new music tonight and discovered a delightful treat in the debut album of a band called Fanfarlo. If you like Arcade Fire or Clap Yours Hands Say Yeah! and/or charming instrumental-ish pop — you’ll be game for sure. If you just like pretty songs that are catchy and well-written, you will also enjoy them. If you like me and think that everything I like is cool, then you’ll surely be down. Either way, you can obtain their album from iTunes right now for only $5.99. That’s a meager investment at best. I will taunt you mercilessly if you don’t pony up and at least give it a go. Though, I have tastes that others seem to not find palatable, so if you’re lame — just continue listening to the Twilight Soundtrack and your old Erasure tapes.

Also, Paul Rudd’s celebrity playlist solidified my crush on him. In contrast, I found myself annoyed at how much I enjoyed Demetri Martin’s selections in contrast to his stupid ass song descriptions. Please, Demetri, break your lame ass too-indie-to-emote “comedic” persona for two seconds and attempt to explain why you picked the songs you chose. You obviously want cred. You picked Deathcab, Grandaddy, and Neutral Milk Hotel…just give it up. Stop being a mop-topped prick for a two point two seconds, dude. You’re marginally talented and you like the same shit I liked in college. Cool. I still like it. Go fuck yourself. Where was I? Oh yeah, Fanfarlo. Check it out.

MASTER CLEANSE!

I’ve decided to do it. Monday. Me. Pooping a lot? Maybe. Probably. Awesome.

Bikini season? Most def.

Andora

In my nerddom, I stumbled upon the flickr of this adorable rabbit. Meet Andora. I know there are plenty of sassy Holland Lops hoppin’ around on flickr, but this lil bun is super fun and deserves a peek. Her owner not only takes fantastic, high-quality photos of her, but takes ample opportunity to describe the disapproving, difficult little personality of her fluffy little pet. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll maybe even fall in love with this particular gal. I did!

Bonus: Andora has some delightful hamster friends. Pudding, Sushi and Pancake to name a few…

Lil baby

Hey there, adorable lil baby! How are you today? Good? You look good. You look real good…

Where was I? Oh yeah, a baby jaguar was unveiled today at the Jacksonville zoo. Ain’t it cute? Enjoy! (with video goodness)

courtesy of jacksonville.com

Paul Rudd on Sesame Street

Thanks, Michael!

Enjoy, Paul Rudd as The Earth! : )

The. End.

SURVEY TIME!

Don’t worry, I took the pathetic time to make this survey entertaining AND interactive. I know how you kids like those hyper text links! Man, I don’t think I’ve completed a survey own da innernetz in (appropriately) a really really really long time. In fact, I may or may not have been in high school and the survey may or may not have been a series of questions about how much I love *Charmed*:

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
not at all

Are you single/​​taken/​​heartbroken/​​confused?
single but taken and heartbroken and that’s confusing.

What if I told you that you were pretty?
I’d think it’d be weird, but nice coming from an anthropomorphic survey being.

Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
No, but I’ve said it a time or twenty I think and it’s always true.

Are you interested in anyone right now?
yes, and they’re in jail : ( TTYL Richard Ramirez!

What are you looking forward to in the next week?
not being bloated

Do you want to be single?
yes?

Did you go out or stay in last night?
I went to a birthday dinner, then saw Flight of the Conchords at the Ryman, and then to a house party

How late did you stay up last night?
3am-ish (without the hypen it would have said 3 amish)

Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
yesterday at Flight of the Conchords. Oh, Jemaine…

Last three things you had to drink?
Stella Artois, Stella Artois and a Stella Artois — yay driving!

Have you pretended to like someone?
everyday. it’s just easier that way.

Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
nope. I never throw that word around. Words I do throw around: whiffletree, hefeweizen, palimony

Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
someone saw me in my underwear last night, but it was my roommate and I was drunk and we were tickling and having a pillow fight!!! lolz

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
oh definitely. beer, Netflix on- demand, and friends help.

Think back five months ago, were you single?
no no no. i haven’t been single consistenly since i was 14

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
sleeping, sadly.

Hold hands with anyone this week?
Abby

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
only if there was some fucked up stipulation like: “We will slaughter a village of Albanians if you ever drink again” and then I’d only do it if someone Albanian really fucked me over.

What would you name your future daughter?
I’ve always liked Evelyn, but that might be too indie by the time I thaw out this ole womb…

Do you miss anyone?
Many people — pretty much the entire state of Texas save Rick Perry and that gross bitch(some legislator in some realm) that said that Chinese people should have to change their last names because they’re too hard to pronounce. Seriously. This happened last week in Texas.

Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
Oh yes…do I remember it clearly? No, no I do not, but it did happen.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
no no

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
with most people, yes. once someone actually knows me, I have some *tells* that always give me away…

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
yes. someone claimed I called my own mother a bitch and I raged like the little bull that I am.

Who did you last see in person?
pretty much everyone I work with at a birthday party, but I guess specifically Sara McManigal…

Are you listening to music right now?
no, that’s what Satan wants you to do and this is HIS day! *proudly nods*

What is something you currently want right now?
peace on earth JK…some Chicken Selects©

What is the last thing you said out lot?
*out lot*? what does that mean? What is the last thing I said at Big Lots? “Are these Snackwell’s devil’s food cakes really expired?”

How is your heart lately?
I’d say I’m averaging boooout Fiddy..fiddy-figh beats per boner…

Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Yes, when I rap about drug prevention to the kids.

Are you wearing socks?
no and my bunion is silently mocking me with every passing moment

What do people call you?
Well, I know what they DON’T call me! Late to dinner and Jackie.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
I don’t think I have Sinbad’s phone number anymore…

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
my entire life is a stressful situation. if things ever were normal and not a constant source of stress, I think I’d faint from the shock.

Who did you last share a bed with?
A DVD of *All The Real Girls* and my snuggie..

Did you do something bad today?
I slept until 2pm, I drank, I smoked, I ate refined sugar, I watched a movie where they said *fuck* a lot, I said *fuck* a lot and I danced to rock-n-roll music on the Easter Sabbath. So, no.

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
probably today. I try to avoid hugs and then I completely shut down internally when they’re happening to me.

Do you get stressed out easily?
I get stressed out to the point of diarrhea on a daily basis over the most piddlely-squat bullshit and then when things are serious and I should legitimately stress out, I’m usually completely apathetic. (I was going to type “apathetic and indifferent” and then realized they mean the exact same thing. I would have stressed out about that if I hadn’t edited. Seriously.)

How old is the oldest person on your top friends?
I’m going with my brother. I’m not *going with him* in life, but for this answer I am.

Will you sing today?
I did sing today. “Got My Mind Set on You”

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Who hasn’t? Who would honestly answer this question with “no”. I’ll tell you who…no, I won’t. (eh? See what I did there? I was going to tell this survey something and I didn’t!)

Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
Abby, Miranda, the Sham-Wow Guy

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
Not in an ambulance. My emergency room trips have all been voluntary and end in c-sections…

What are you listening to right now?
The whir of my ceiling fan, the clicking of keys, my own quiet (but audible) desperation…

What is wrong with you right now?
I’m filling out a fucking survey on the internet. That’s gross. I’m gross.

What is on your wrists right now?
Is this a question that is trying to make me admit that I cut or got a tyte ass tat? Because I haven’t done either, but I think this is a thinly veiled attempt by this passive-aggressive survey to get someone to confront their most deeply guarded secrets and/or brag about body modification on a social networking website. Well played, survey, well played.

Where did you get the shirt/​​sweatshirt you’re wearing?
from a boy/man’s house

What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
hot apple cider

Do you make wishes at 11:11?
I didn’t really know that I was supposed to. I do it at 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, 10:10,  and 12:12. 11:11? Really? G-a-y.

Are you a good artist?
Only when the medium is a penis and/or dry wall.

Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
Eh..

Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
No. I was desperately interviewing for a new job and feeling like I was going to be a complete failure douche bag if I didn’t get it (I got it).

Ever been on a golf cart?
Yes. I actually violently fell out of one going top speed (12 mph). I was so high on pixie sticks(meth), that I didn’t even notice. I just got right back on that horse (heroin) and rode til mornin’ light (the battery died)!

Do you have trust issues?
Depends. My parents? yes. My best friend? sometimes. Bernie Maddoff? Never! Ca-ching! *coin sounds*

Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
probably Dione Warwick or a TOTALLYCUTEOMGSK8TRBOI!

Do you own something from Hot Topic?
They actually have (surprisingly) cute skinny jeans and (not surprisingly) kewl Twilight tees!

Do you use chap stick?
I am actually addicted. I have chap-stick available to me everywhere. I hoard it.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
In high school theater. I never really *got* stage combat.

Do you have a little sister?
thank god, no.

Have you ever been to New York?
I have.

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
I think they do somewhere in their heart. They were drunk, though.

Have you hugged someone within the last week?
tonight.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
drinking and talking to Sam and Chad and a girl I met named Rebecca about forensic pathology. Not a lie.

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Eh. Kissing is so benign in the scheme of physical things that humans can do with/on eachother, so I’m going to go with “no” on this one.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Crouton

Were your last three kisses from the same person?
Yes.

Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
No. Well, on the cheek and, no, I take it back. My friend Christie had a birthday last night, was really shit-canned wasted, and kissed me on the mouth. I hope she’s ready to commit. I signed a card at church camp saying I wouldn’t kiss until marriage.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
alone. There are plenty of things you can do in a bed with someone (build a little fort, perhaps!), but sleeping is Jamie time. Don’t touch me. Don’t *cuddle* me. Don’t talk to me and for GOD SAKES, don’t attempt to rouse me.

Will next friday be a good one?
I think we can all agree that this past Friday was a GOOD one! HO! I got in another Easter reference! USA! USA! JESUS! USA!